


Purpose Over Feelings

by sharkcar



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars: Rise of Empire Era - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Attraction, Break Up, Classism, Clone Sex, Clone Wars, Cultural Differences, Death Watch (Star Wars), Drinking, Economic Disparity, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Time, Forbidden Love, Force Bond (Star Wars), Friendship, Friendship/Love, Hypocrisy, Love Triangles, Obi-Wan Impressions, Onderon, Order 66, Possessive Behavior, Post-Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Racism, Rape, Sex, Temptation, Workplace Relationship, clone culture, girl talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 12:25:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8102338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkcar/pseuds/sharkcar
Summary: Ahsoka Tano accepts the offer to have a drink with her friend Rex because she knows she's on her way to Malachor and she might not be returning. They have some fun discussing the nature of clone culture and how it adapted ways around the rules governing their behavior. Ahsoka reminisces about trying to obey the rules of the Jedi Order. She has different experiences with the opposite sex, from the brotherly love of the clones, to her Force bond with Anakin, and her very real attraction to Lux Bonteri. She ponders her confusion over what she really wanted and who she wanted to be with.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Some dialogue taken from Star Wars: The Clone Wars Episodes: "A War on Two Fronts", and "Front Runners" by Chris Collins and "A Friend in Need" by Christian Taylor

“You know how weird this is, we have known each other for eighteen years and we have never had a drink together,” Rex filled our two cups with his homemade whiskey, which he stored in old wine bottles under his bed. His personal still was set up on top of the only table in his room in the new base on Atollon. I sat in the one chair, while he sat on the bed.  
“Well, most of the time that we worked together, I was just a kid,” I reminded him. I had finally found Rex after fifteen years of searching. He had gone deeply into hiding, trying to save himself and two other clones, who went AWOL in the Clone War. Rex and I had been the closest of friends in the war, but the dynamic between us had definitely changed with age. He had always been protective of me then, but now, since I was an adult, he seemed to be seeing me as more of an equal than as a little sister. Hence the invitation to share a drink.  
  
“Age was a really strange issue for us clones, full grown at six, middle aged at twelve. It makes it hard for us to understand the concept of childhood. Even when we were small, we weren’t really ever allowed to be kids.” Rex was created in a cloning facility for soldiers. Clones had rapid aging and intensive combat training. The first group of them went to fight a war at ten years old. Some were drafted as young as seven.  
  
“I never felt like anyone let me grow up fast enough.” I sipped from my mug. “Ugh, your whiskey is even worse than that wine the 501st used to make,” I coughed and pulled a face.  
  
“Hey, that was my recipe, too,” Rex took his as a shot. “I would try to make it again, but the factory that used to make those powdered juice rations was destroyed in the Invasion of Coruscant.”  
  
“That was a smart tactical choice on the part of the Separatists, I guess, incapacitate the Grand Army of the Republic by hindering their illegal hooch supply.” I poured more of Rex’s whiskey.  
  
“Funny.” He smirked, “Although, I think the 501st might have been the biggest supplier of alcohol to the military, all illegal of course. But that rotgut wine became something of a cultural expression for us. You know, part of our story.” He poured another shot and we took them.  
  
I gasped, “Did you make money with it?”  
  
“Nah. That wasn’t permitted, we did exchange it though.” He poured more.  
  
“What kinds of things did you exchange it for?” We clanked glasses. His was his old cup from his clone utility belt. Mine was a caf mug from some diner called ‘Power Sliders’. These were Rex’s only two dishes.  
  
“Stuff to help the 501st. All kinds of things. Requisition the better equipment, get preferential recruits, even other contraband.” We took our shots.  
  
“So it was a bribe.”  
  
“I prefer to think of it as an alternate currency. Like spice in the Outer Rim. This one was unique to the military.” Rex went to a closet where he had a bottle of Alderaanian wine for chasers.  
  
“Oh, thank the Maker!” I said in my Threepio voice. Rex poured us each some wine. “That’s so weird,” I said, “I never thought of it like that. Wow, clone culture really developed into a distinctive thing quickly.”  
  
“I’m telling you. We were so segregated that we couldn’t really participate fully in Republic society. We were engineered to adapt and learn quickly, so we adapted ways around our circumstances. We couldn’t earn much money, we developed an economy without it. We couldn’t have property, we found other ways of differentiating ourselves. Nicknames, haircuts, tattoos, talismans. We couldn’t have girls, so we had an entire subculture of prostitutes and coded dating terms. We had our own words for things because there was so much that was against the rules we had to have a way of talking about it. These things were part of our culture, too. Wolffe was writing down as much about it as he could. He ended up just like General Plo, a total anthropologist.”  
  
“I knew all of you guys, but I guess I never thought of us having a cultural divide before. But I guess we did.”  
  
“Most people didn’t realize it. I mean, General Skywalker did because he came from a different culture too. I remember talking to Padme about things. She was so sweet. But, whenever I said something was a problem for me, she would always say, ‘Well, why don’t you…?’ never understanding the million ways in which I was trapped. Like I’d say ‘I wish I could go to the beach.’ She’d always ask, ‘Well, why don’t you just go.’ ‘I can’t get leave time.’ ‘Well, you’ll get leave soon, go then.’ ‘Uh, I have no transport.’ ‘Oh, just rent one.’ ‘No business will rent one to clones.’ ‘Public transport goes’. ‘Where would I stay?’ ‘They have hotels there.’ ‘We don’t make a lot of money.’ How could I explain to her that I was just thinking out loud? She had always had the means to do whatever she wanted. So she didn’t have wishes, because there was nothing that she couldn’t do.”  
  
“I don’t think that’s entirely true.” I sipped my wine.  
  
Rex shook his head, “I guess it’s not in some senses. She and General Skywalker had a hard time, I know. I just meant that, although she was sweet and well meaning, she didn’t have a clue what other people lived without. She thought we were the same.”  
  
“That is true. Wasn’t her fault, really. She just didn’t know any better. She was pretty idealistic.” I tried to be fair about her. We really had been friends.  
  
“That’s why I liked her. She really thought I deserved to be happy someday.” He looked down and shook his head slightly.  
  
“Me too,” I chuckled. “Were you ever happy?”  
  
Rex sighed, “A little while. Once. For just a little bit, I had everything I wanted. Great job, great friends, great girl. It all went wrong, but I’m really glad I did it. Knowing what it felt like was worth it. Experience, you know. You?”  
  
“I don’t think so. Maybe now, doing what I was meant to. I love my work and my friends. I just don’t think I’m meant for love,” I confessed.  
  
“Really? I thought that you had some romances.” He poured more wine, “What about that guy on Onderon.”  
  
“No, an attraction, but nothing real. Jedi were not permitted attachments.”  
  
“General Skywalker was in a relationship.”  
  
“Anakin never deprived himself of any relationship he wanted, regardless of who he was hurting. Sometimes I feel like I was his work wife. We were as connected as he and Padme were, but as a Force bond. Like with him and Padme, it was pretty serious.”  
  
“I don’t know much about how Force bonds work, for us non-Force sensitives those are kind of one way streets. If I wanted him to, Skywalker could tell what I was thinking, but I couldn’t hear him back.”  
  
“Well, we could both communicate with each other. I shared parts of his mind that were hidden from other people. He was the reason I came to know the Dark Side.”  
  
“That’s why you can’t be a Jedi? Because you use both light and dark?” Rex had actually been trained in the nature of the Force when he and Anakin started working together. He genuinely believed in it, although he was not a Force wielder himself.  
  
“Yeah, well, more like I don’t hold myself exclusively to one side or the other. It’s my choice, but Anakin was the one that first taught me about using the Dark Side. Using my emotions, and not the Jedi Code, to make decisions.”  
  
“But General Skywalker was always like that and he was the greatest Jedi there was.”  
  
“He was powerful with the Force, he identified himself as a Jedi, but the Dark Side had always been with him. He was so powerful that the Dark Side didn’t limit his ability to wield the light the way it would for Jedi. He just kept it under control most of the time, but he was not afraid to use the dark.”  
  
“So he wasn’t a Jedi?”  
  
“He was, as far as he knew. And he wasn’t. I knew that before he did. I knew he wasn’t going to stay blind to it forever and that I would never be a Jedi since I had already changed. When the time came, I got out of the Order while I could. It was crumbling apart anyway. I stand by my decision. If I’d decided differently, I would have been gunned down in the purge.”  
  
“By my boys, the 501st, possibly.” Rex furrowed his brow. Rex’s outfit, the 501st had been led into the Jedi Temple to massacre every Jedi, of all ages. There had been thousands.  
  
“Well, Rex. It looks like we were the lucky ones.” I sipped my wine.  
  
“Nobody else saw it coming.” He took a drink.  
  
“Fives did.”  
  
“How do you know that?” Rex looked up.  
  
“Force bond.” I shrugged.  
  
“Right. You guys trained together. Hey, did…um…you two ever…?”  
  
“Inappropriate question.” I scowled at him.  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
I laughed a little, “No. I was fifteen. That would have been weird.” I emptied my glass. Rex refilled it.  
  
“That’s what I thought.” He drained his glass and refilled it.  
  
“Besides, I thought Commander Wolffe was much cuter.” I laughed. I’d had a little crush on Wolffe for a while. Early on, before he became a total scoundrel. Rex had been hiding out with him after the war. He sounded like he was doing better than expected.  
  
“Old One Eye? I will NEVER understand women.” Rex laughed and looked at his glass, “Changing the subject, do you think General Skywalker or Kenobi got away?”  
  
“Obi-Wan was never found, but if he was alive, I’d have expected him to make contact with someone by now.” I didn’t hold out much hope.  
  
“Cody killed him. Those damned chips. Cody never would have done that, he loved the General like a brother. He only told those lies after because he didn’t want to face the firing squad. Whoever used those chips put the screws on him. I don’t envy what he must have gone through.” Rex was sure that the clones were made with control chips that caused them to kill the Jedi. I didn’t know if that excused everything. My friend Kanan had been hunted by two clones for a year after he survived the purge. I didn’t think a control chip could make them do that. People make their own decisions.  
  
“Cody made his choice, Rex. At the very least, he lied. You know, I heard recently that he became a wanted criminal?” I filled my glass again and raised it. “To the Chancellor,” I said in a bored voice.  
  
“Ha! So are we. Good for him. Wanted for what?” Rex scratched the back of head.  
  
“Piracy, I think,” I really couldn’t recall all the details.  
  
Rex looked thoughtful, “I guess I would expect the same of Skywalker as Kenobi. That he’d have come back by now if he was alive. They killed Padme. He would be dead before he let that happen.”  
  
I pondered my drink, “Yeah. I guess he would.”  
  
“We lost everyone we loved in that war.” Rex finished the wine.  
  
“Yeah. But the nice thing is, you can always find new people to love,” I smiled. I was proud every day of the growing rebellion against the Empire that I had helped create.  
  
“Love is still confusing for me,” He looked down at his glass.  
  
“Hey, relationships are confusing for anyone.” I grabbed the bottle of whiskey and poured myself some.  
  
“I think I’ll just get a pet.” Rex said as I filled his cup.  
  
\--  
  
In talking to Rex, I realized that being raised in Jedi culture could make for a strange upbringing. Total selflessness. Use your powers in service of others. No jealousy, no anger, no ego, no revenge, no lying, no stealing, total loyalty to the Republic and adherence to its laws. The rules went on and on. It was very difficult to maintain it. I was supposed to always be serious and focused. It might as well have been a rule that I could never feel normal.  
  
There was also the rule against attachments. It meant no personal relationships. This might have been the hardest part of our code. Just because we were Jedi didn’t mean that we had no emotions.  
  
My first kiss was when I was fifteen. Fifteen is a respectable age for that, I guess, especially for a Jedi. Practically everyone knew we weren’t allowed relationships, so it was pretty difficult for a Jedi to attract any romantic interest at all. Most Jedi had a reputation for being cold. At my rank, that of padawan learner, I was supervised most of the time.  
  
Anyway, it was weird. It was with Fives, Rex’s clone brother. He had always had an obvious crush on me, I thought. When I first met him, it made me feel irresistible when he looked at me with that nervous face and his speech got all discombobulated. He lost interest after a while, though. He discovered sex and he stopped looking at me, while he used every shore leave to ‘run the fifty laps on some floozy’, to use 501st slang. Back when I was in the army, we would say this phrase in our impressions of Captain Rex. Seeing clones do impressions of each other was hysterical. They were all super exaggerated. ‘Rex’ involved scowling and affecting an increasingly unintelligible gravelly voice and using antiquated or overly polite expressions, like ‘floozy’ when he meant prostitute.  
  
One of the things that angered me about Fives was that the clones and I had started out the war in similar situations. We were expected to be older than we felt. They were all about ten with the bodies of adults but had known less of life than any other beings in the galaxy, growing up sheltered in their cloning facility. On the outside they were men, on the inside, children. I was fourteen but a Jedi and an army commander, so required to be mature and wise beyond my years. On the outside, a child, on the inside, not. Yet, in terms of life experience, we were all clueless. Together, we could have fun, innocently.  
  
As the war went on, they got their experiences. Looking like men, they were accepted as men. They swore, they drank, they had sex with women when they found the chance. But I still looked like a kid and I was still treated as a kid. I was being left behind while everyone else was allowed to grow up. Having Fives abandon his childhood crush on me for girls he could sleep with had kind of hurt because of that.  
  
Later, I had to do some specialized training with Fives and I thought I was still picking up on some attraction on his part. Never having had a boy express interest in me overtly, I would have found it flattering. I might have hinted something to that effect. Then, when I was completely sure that he had never liked me and that I was a complete idiot, I could sense Fives’ feelings through the Force. He did like me in that way, but he respected me too much to act on it. I was so relieved that I kissed him, just a kiss, not even open mouthed. But it was enough to realize, it wasn’t him I liked, it was the attention. I felt bad for using him. Fortunately, he never mentioned it again. We were both too embarrassed, I think.  
  
The Jedi call an experience like mine a trial of temptation. That sounds kind of romantic, I guess. Many Jedi were tempted, it was common. My master, Anakin, was deliberately disobeying the rules with Senator Padme Amidala. Not only did he have a relationship, but a committed relationship where he had pledged himself to her. He had pledged himself to the Jedi, too. It was a conflict. Padme had once traded General Grievous for Anakin, to save him instead of getting an advantage in the war. Love was always more important to her than duty.  
  
Padme had explained their relationship to me once, how it was not casual and that their attachment went back to before he had made his oath to the Jedi. I understood. I didn’t agree, but I understood. I never tried to interfere. But I did hope that Anakin would choose to end it and commit to the Jedi. He and I were partners and I intended to stay true to the Order. I wanted him with me.  
  
As for trials of temptation, they were easy for me to resist. I thought it would always be easy.  
  
\--  
  
Anakin and I went to the Senate one day to bring Padme lunch after our mission to Kiros. She was researching slavery for a bill proposal and she wanted to hear about the slave market we’d attended in Zygerria. It was on that mission that I had learned that Anakin had grown up as a slave on Tatooine. In hindsight, it explained a lot.  
  
It was on that trip that he had revealed to me through our Force bond some of his most horrible memories and how he had known the Dark Side of the Force his whole life. In knowing the Dark Side through him, I was already starting to use my anger to make myself stronger. But I didn’t realize it at the time.  
  
Anakin and I had brought Padme Chandrilan food from a place near the Senate building. I was so relieved, Chandrila was a civilized core world. Anakin’s taste in food was normally horrible. You’d think that he was raised eating like a Hutt. We unpacked the food on the Senator’s desk and she was on a holo-communication with Senator Organa. “That’s wonderful news. I’ll leave just as soon as my ship is outfitted. Thank you, Bail.”  
  
The holo-figure of Senator Organa bowed slightly and disappeared when the device switched off. Padme was smiling. Anakin opened his takeaway container and took a small bottle out of his belt pouch. It was a black substance that looked like ink. He poured it on his food. It stank like rotten carrion.  
  
Padme put the back of her hand to her nose as Anakin began to eat. “What is that?”  
  
Anakin looked up, “Rancor sauce.”  
  
We both looked at him with raised eyebrows.  
  
Anakin looked almost hurt, “What?”  
  
We started eating, with some effort.  
  
“Bail says that the Separatists have confirmed that their representatives are willing to meet for peace talks. This could be the beginning of the end for this war.”  
  
“That’s wonderful, Padme, I know how hard you’ve been working to bring that about.” Anakin was eating smaller bites than he normally did when I saw him eat. He always had better manners around Padme.  
  
“So can you come with me? I have to leave for Mandalore in a few days.” She often requested him for her missions to have a chance to be with him.  
  
“I can’t, I have to stay here for briefings on Zygerria with Obi-Wan.” He took a bite and chewed thoughtfully for a moment. He swallowed. “Take Ahsoka with you.”  
  
“What?” I stopped with my fork halfway to my face. It was a really prestigious posting, everyone in the galaxy would be watching. It would also be potentially dangerous. Master was trusting me with an important job and promoting my standing as a Jedi.  
  
“Sure, she’s been to Mandalore already. Did some pretty good work, as I recall, rescuing the Duchess from that plot against her.” Anakin continued.  
  
“You know, you’re right. Plus, I think the Separatists would feel a little less threatened if I brought her as my security, rather than the ‘Krayt Dragon’, scourge of the Outer Rim.”  
  
“Who is the Krayt Dragon?” I asked.  
  
“That’s what they’ve been calling Anakin in the Separatist media.” Padme always followed different news outlets.  
  
Anakin laughed.  
  
“It’s no sillier than ‘The Hero without Fear.’” Padme grinned with her perfect teeth. That was Master’s nickname in Republic propaganda.  
  
“What do they call Obi-Wan?”  
  
“The Negotiator.”  
  
“That’s his Republic nickname, too. Man, he’s boring. He’s so polite, he can’t even make his enemies hate him.”  
  
I giggled, “I bet that Sith lord he cut in half didn’t like him much.” I affected an Obi-Wan impression, “So sorry, sir, I seem to have dismembered you. Allow me to fetch you a towel.” Our Obi-Wan impressions usually included saying overly polite things for the situation.  
  
They both laughed. But nobody joined in with an impression. The clones always did. Obi-Wan’s clone commander Cody’s impression was great, accent and all. Rex and Cody would trade lines back and forth in Obi-Wan voices when they got bored. It was surreal.  
  
\--  
  
So that’s how I ended up on Mandalore for the peace talks. I was feeling very confident on the trip there. I spent some time training in hand to hand combat. Weapons would not be allowed on the neutral planet. Padme and I ate together, which was fun. Besides the clones, I didn’t have many other friends that weren’t Jedi. It was really nice to have a chance for some girl talk. Padme could keep a secret.  
  
“So you were right about Fives.”  
  
“What? What about Fives?”  
  
I had told her and Rex once, when we were quarantined together on Naboo, that Fives had asked me to go out drinking with him and his brothers. Rex had been upset because he had wanted to take me to the clone bar. I guess there were lots of drugs and hookers there. He didn’t want me around that. I had thought that it was no more than a misunderstanding about age relativity, that Fives didn’t realize I was too young to go drinking. Fives had claimed that was the case. But Padme was the one who had asked if he liked me. I now knew for sure that was true, he’d been trying to ask me out.  
  
“We trained together for a little while. We kissed once.”  
  
“Really?” She seemed excited. Like she was hoping that I’d start a romance. It would have made her feel that what she was doing with Master was normal.  
  
“Yeah. Just once, I wasn’t really into it. He’s sweet, but there is like, no danger to him.” I explained.  
  
“No edge,” Padme nodded in agreement.  
  
“Exactly. Give me someone a little unpredictable.” I was joking.  
  
She was a trouble maker, “Well, like who? Who do you think is attractive?”  
  
I played along, I had never been able to voice my thoughts on the matter to anyone, “Well…I liked Commander Wolffe for a while. It’d have been weird too, but he’s really funny. He’s got a girlfriend, though.”  
  
“Really? Does Master Plo care?”  
  
“No. They even live together.”  
  
“Wow. I also heard that other clones are doing things like that. Good. If the Republic is not enforcing the rule for clones, it brings us closer to legalizing their right to have families.” She had been campaigning for it. “So who else do you like?”  
  
I kind of giggled, it was kind of fun to be confessing these thoughts, “Um…do you know Ion Papanoida from Pantora?” I had only seen him a little bit, but I thought he was really nice looking.  
  
“He is cute. Hey, do you remember Mina Bonteri’s son Lux?” Padme had introduced me to the Separatist senator in a previous attempt to initiate peace talks.  
  
“Yeah. He was a nice kid.” I hadn’t really thought about him ever.  
  
“He told me he thought you were ‘gorgeous’ when we went to Raxus.” She smiled.  
  
It made me laugh, it sounded so outlandish, “What? He was adorable, but way too innocent.” I was a fifteen year old army commander who served with battle hardened men. The little rich boy had just seemed so naïve.  
  
It was her turn to laugh. I know I still looked young to her, even though in some regards, she was more immature than me. “Aw, I knew him when he was just a little boy. He was so cute. Who else?”  
  
“Anakin of course.” I said absentmindedly.  
  
“Really? I…didn’t think you thought so.” She tensed almost imperceptibly.  
  
“Well, in the field, his hygiene takes a dive, but although he’s completely full of himself, he can be pretty dashing.” I don’t know why I said it. I wasn’t thinking.  
  
I wasn’t sure what I was detecting from her. It felt like…jealousy.  
  
“I…mean…I guess.” I hedged. I had never pictured myself kissing him or anything like that. But since Zygerria, we had grown much closer. Bonding with him through the Force had been a very intense experience. We both had deep emotions about it. Our connection meant that we knew each other in ways no one else did. There were parts of us that only belonged to each other. Padme may not have been a Force wielder, but she could sense emotions well just by clues from our faces and bodies. She didn’t betray her fears with words, but when she excused herself to go to bed, I noticed her back was slightly stiff.  
  
\--  
  
At the meetings, who should come bursting in but Lux Bonteri, looking way less sweet and innocent than I’d remembered him. His mother had been a Senator for the Confederacy of Independent Systems and she was murdered by the Separatist leader for suggesting peace negotiations.  
  
Lux began to speak, “I come before you, the son of Mina Bonteri, loyal Separatist, patriot, friend…” He looked right at me. Our eyes locked and I don’t know why, but it made my chest feel light. Gorgeous, huh? “It has come to my attention that my mother was murdered by Count Dooku in cold blood!”  
  
He was seized and taken out by droids. Padme held me back. The Separatists led him out to be dealt with as an ‘internal matter.’  
  
“Dooku is deceiving you, you will all be betrayed!”  
  
“We can’t just let them take him. He’ll be killed,” I whispered to Padme.  
  
“Do what you can Ahsoka, but be discrete,” she whispered back. She was more on edge than I’d ever seen her. These negotiations were important to her, she had worked for years to end the war, and now it might slip through her fingers. She held her composure, but her face betrayed disquiet.  
  
I saved Lux’s life, when I found the droids about to beat him to death. Some surprisingly well-armed battle droids chased us through the palace hangar complex and onto the platform where my ship sat. I alerted the senate guards on duty, and it turned into a full on shooting skirmish. So much for discrete.  
  
We boarded the ship and took off. Anakin came up on the holo-com. “Ahsoka, Padme just contacted me. She says that peace negotiations have all but collapsed. Where are you?”  
  
I panicked internally, ‘Crap, crap, crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Master had trusted me with an important Jedi mission, Padme had trusted me with her life’s work. So what did I do, I had just defied Separatist sovereignty, turned Republic and Separatist guard forces against each other, and insulted our pacifist hosts by starting an open conflict in their capital, and stolen the Republic senators’ transport. In other words, to save this guy, I had screwed it up every aspect of my mission spectacularly. Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!!!!!!’  
  
\--  
  
I tried at least to get Lux to Coruscant to save his life. Stupid Lux, stupid reckless Lux. Instead, he took me for a little detour to Carlac. Lux kidnapped me and brought me to find the Death Watch, a group of Mandalorian terrorists who Lux wanted to use to kill Count Dooku. We arrived on the snowy planet and I followed him off the ship. I was furious. Stupid Lux, trying to get me killed. But before I could knock him senseless and make him get back on board, our friends from the Death Watch arrived. They wanted to know what I was doing there.  
  
“I’m his…betrothed.” I leaned my head on his shoulder. Stupid Lux! Stupid nice smelling Lux.  
  
“Um..right.” Lux agreed.  
  
“Betrothed?” replied the female warrior leading the group sent to meet us. She squeezed my face and touched me on the shoulder. She stepped behind me, “She’s a little…skinny, isn’t she?” then she slapped me on the behind. I don’t think I have ever been so insulted. Who was she to touch me that way? This woman really thought that she had complete power over me. I could not respond, I was hiding the fact that I was a Jedi for now. So I looked to Lux for assistance. He seemed more interested in diffusing tension than defending me.  
  
“She serves her purpose,” he almost laughed nervously.  
  
I’ll serve you a purpose! Stupid Lux!!!!!! As if everyone there wasn’t knocked over by the stench of his obvious virginity. Even I could tell that he’d never even kissed a girl.  
  
When we were brought to the Death Watch camp, we were put in a tent and he explained his plan. I pleaded to him that we had to get out, that Death Watch were not interested in making a deal, they would just kill us. I didn’t see the terrorists headed our way, so Lux got me to stop talking the only way he could think of. He swept me into his arms and kissed me. Not anything serious, no open mouths, but it was spontaneous and exciting. Maybe part of it was because I was fearing for our lives, but my heart was racing. Stupid Lux with the stupid soft lips. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.  
  
Pre Vizla, the leader of the Death Watch stalked in to discuss business. “Tell your woman to leave us.”  
  
Lex complied, but hesitantly. He had just lost his bodyguard.  
  
\--  
  
As warrior orders go, I didn’t have much experience with any but the Jedi, and our official policy is universal celibacy. I hadn’t really considered how it might work in other groups. The Death Watch, even the female members, were not very respectful of women. Evidently, Mandalorian women were free to choose anyone from among their colleagues for physical relationships. They were pretty open about it around the camp. Still, you would think that a warrior clan that had so many female members would not have organized rape as a part of their social structure. Yet, it didn’t seem to bother the women of Death Watch that the males had kidnapped every young woman from a nearby village and were using them as servants and bed warmers. I was thrown into the tent with these other girls. I wasn’t dragged off myself, but I saw a few go and come back. I spoke to them. They had been forced to do whatever the members of Death Watch wanted them to for months. Their families were helpless to rescue them. The villagers had no weapons and they did not want to give the Death Watch reason to hurt the girls. I had never realized how barbarically sex could be used as a weapon of intimidation and humiliation. It made me sick.  
  
The villagers finally objected to what was happening and the Death Watch burned their village and murdered everyone in it. Lux and I barely escaped with our lives. Then, as soon as we were safely away in the ship, he locked the escape pod. I rushed to the port to talk to him through the transparisteel.  
  
“Lux, Lux, what are you doing?”  
  
“I can’t go with you, Ahsoka, but, you know that.”  
  
“But…we can try. Try to change things…together.” I sounded like such a moron. Stupid Lux. Stupid Lux with the stupid pretty blue eyes. Ugggghhh! Stupid Lux!  
  
“We make a pretty good team? Don’t we?” He said. From his tone, I almost sensed that he was different. What was that, coy? Ugh, I had just made an idiot of myself. “Don’t worry, we’ll meet again. I promise.” Stupid Lux. Stole the two million credit escape pod from the Sentatorial vessel that I was now responsible for. Ugh!  
  
I actually missed him. Stupid Ahsoka! But I got over it. He was not as innocent as he’d been before, but still young and naïve. No edge.  
  
\--  
  
Meanwhile, Anakin and I were growing closer. On our missions, we were working together, moving fluidly between peace and anger. The peace gave us focus, the anger did too. Defend, attack. Bend, don’t break. Feel the two weave, intertwine. Our partnership had become seamless. I had never been so close to another person as I was in our bond. He became the parts of me that were missing.  
  
Obi-Wan faked his death for a secret Jedi mission. Obi-Wan was Anakin’s closest Force bond, so he took the loss hard. When he had been about to fall apart, I was there to keep his pieces together. We shared our anger about Obi-Wan’s murder, then our anger at the Jedi Council for deceiving us. We arrived on Naboo to work security for the Festival of Light, side by side. Padme met us at the shuttle, not looking upset, but focusing her attention on Master. Unlike Anakin’s relationship with Padme, our partnership was public. We had nothing to hide. Anakin and Padme’s greeting wasn’t awkward, but it was slightly nervous. I knew that Anakin had gone through periods of not wanting to see her in the past few months. After Mortis, for example, he had stayed away. He had tried to resist, but she asked for him to go with her to Mon Cala, then Naboo. After she traded Grievous for him, he backed off from her entirely. I actually hoped that it was over for good this time. Padme clearly wished the opposite.  
  
That night, before the festival, we were staying in the palace. Anakin and I were roommates. I saw him get up.  
  
“Where are you going?” I called from my bed across the room.  
  
“Just for a walk. I might sleep outside, it’s a nice night.” He didn’t stop.  
  
“But Master, we have a long day tomorrow, and it could get dangerous, you really should get some sleep.” I didn’t want it to sound like pleading.  
  
“I know, but I just can’t sleep. I’ll see you later.”  
  
I knew where he was going. Padme was in a room nearby. I was not just disappointed, my heart dropped like a stone. I felt betrayed.  
  
I walked out to the gardens. When Rex, Padme and I had on quarantine there once, our room in the palace had overlooked this garden. Rex and I had talked about how nice it was. I found him there sitting on a patch of grass.  
  
“Hi Rex. Can’t sleep, either, huh?”  
  
“Nah. Stress, most likely. I don’t want to use those prescription sedatives too much. They make me feel all cloudy. I thought some air might help. The barracks can be pretty stuffy.”  
  
“You look tired.” I sat down beside him.  
  
He sighed. “You know, I have been on duty for eight months without a break.”  
  
“I didn’t realize.”  
  
“When it’s not missions, it’s conferences, it’s advisory meetings, strategic planning.” He rubbed his blonde hair. “These were all the things I used to love about my work, what made it challenging and interesting. Now my schedule is so hectic that it’s like I’m being drowned in it. All I want is a few days’ rest.”  
  
“What do you do? When you get time to yourself, I mean.” Jedi did not technically have free time. It was a lifestyle not a job. Even the clones, who had been created for the express purpose of fighting a war, got leave time occasionally.  
  
He put his arms on his knees, looking at the grass. “I have a girl. Or maybe, I had a girl. I don’t really know. I haven’t spoken to her in eight months. I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again.”  
  
I had thought that in the love department, the Jedi were the most unlucky creatures in the galaxy. I hadn’t thought about clones.  
  
\--  
  
Very soon after Naboo, Anakin, Obi-Wan, Rex, and I went to Onderon. We had been on Coruscant when the young Onderonian insurgents, Lux Bonteri and Saw Gerrera, contacted the Jedi, asking for support. Anakin had a plan to advise and train them. When we arrived, we found Lux in the company of a small army of attractive young people, swaggering and proud of their idealism, and who knew they could die at any moment. It was an environment rife with romantic potential. Even Lux seemed like he’d gotten some relevant experience. There was a hint of it in the ease with which he carried himself. I admit I liked it.  
  
The problem was, he seemed to have attracted the charismatic Steela. She got almost hostile with me when she first heard that Lux and I had a history. I found it strange that she would do that. It seemed an overly aggressive response to his just saying that I knew him and had saved his life. I didn’t really have much experience with jealousy, but I was sure that Steela had a bad case of it.  
  
Then there was Saw. Now Saw, like his name, had an edge. He had a knowing swagger that comes with experience. Confidence can be a turn on. He seemed downright protective of Steela, even though she didn’t seem attracted to him at all. The two guys got into confrontations over her. They were entertaining in a soapy kind of way. In my opinion, I thought Steela would choose Saw. He was definitely the alpha of the two.  
  
Yet for some reason, she seemed to remain focused on Lux. I caught her scowling at me a few times when he looked at me.  
  
I was scouting the jungle when Lux came to take my place and bring me some food.  
  
“You looked good out there today,” he complimented.  
  
“Well, I have been doing this a long time. You’re coming along, though.” I took the rations from him, and we sat down on the ground to eat. I sampled something. Not bad. Better than what the Republic gave us. “So…you and Steela?”  
  
“She doesn’t know I exist.” He picked a piece of grass and threw it down. He was wrong about that. He was really attractive. He looked up and me and smiled shyly. “Not like you. Ahsoka? Could…could I kiss you?”  
  
I’m not sure why, but I nodded. He gently pushed me to the ground and put his lips to mine. This was real. Open mouthed and really exciting. He ran his hands over me. It felt so good to finally be touched. I didn’t resist, I kissed him back and dug my fingers into his skin. Suddenly, I was shocked at myself. I pushed him off and sat up. “No, I’m a Jedi, I can’t.” I got up and walked back to camp. But I couldn’t stop thinking about how he felt on me.  
  
That night I dreamed of it. Only, in the dream, we didn’t stop. I felt things I never had before. I was so embarrassed. It was really awkward being around Lux the next day. Especially since Steela was dominating all of his attention. Well, he was free. I had rejected him, after all. She was being increasingly obvious with her banter, I thought. “Maybe a good politician needs to get dirty now and again.” Ugh, please.  
  
We made our way to the capital and Master and Obi-Wan returned to brief the Jedi Council. Rex went to train new 501st recruits on Kamino. Obi-Wan assigned me to stay with the rebels as an advisor and to keep the Jedi updated on their progress. It was a huge responsibility and really demonstrated the trust that the Council had in me, Obi-Wan was promoting my career with the Jedi. Anakin put his hand on my arm and looked me in the eye. “Are you up for it, Snips, or would you like to return to Coruscant.” I was tempted to go with him, I would miss him. But then I thought of him, back in Coruscant, sneaking off every night. I had just had a little bit of physical contact and I felt so guilty I could crack. Meanwhile, he wanted me to go back to the safety of the Order. I was sure that I felt a little bit of possessiveness from him. I had been having the dreams about Lux continuously. I hoped Anakin hadn’t realized it. Still, even if he did, I decided that I didn’t care. I opted to remain on Onderon.  
  
“Remember your purpose,” he warned. Later on, from holo-comm after he arrived at his star cruiser, “Ahsoka, remember what I told you about staying focused.”  
  
I was sure that he knew all about Lux and me. I still felt guilty. “I can’t help it Master.”  
  
“I understand.”  
  
“You do?” I asked. He had never told me about him and Padme, I’d figured it out on my own. Honestly, it was pretty obvious.  
  
But he had never trusted me enough to tell me the truth. Maybe he was ashamed of himself and didn’t want me to think less of him. “I do, but try and remember, always put purpose ahead of your feelings.” His sentiment may have been true to Jedi teachings, but he was a total hypocrite.  
  
It turns out Steela was Saw’s sister, so she really did like Lux. In addition, they shared a common purpose and unlike me, he could actually have her. They belonged together, I realized. I had nothing to offer him. I needed to back off. I didn’t back off, though, for some reason.  
  
\--  
  
In a holo-conference with Masters Obi-Wan and Anakin, I reported that the insurgents were divided and dangerously close to being defeated. The Council told me not to become further involved in any way. The insurgents needed to succeed or fail on their own. The situation, no matter how unjust, did not allow for the Jedi to respond. “I feel responsible for them.” I confessed.  
  
“Step in only if you must. “ Obi-Wan left that open to interpretation.  
  
Anakin reminded me that I must serve, “Purpose over feelings.” Hypocrite, I thought. His possessiveness had made me angry. Training the insurgents was his plan and he didn’t even stay to see it through. He wanted to go back to Coruscant, to her. I was supposed to watch helplessly while Lux and his friends got massacred. I knew then that I wouldn’t obey the Jedi.  
  
The insurgents were captured in their attempt to save the king from execution. The army turned to side with the insurgents and I jumped in to make sure everyone got away.  
  
To save Lux and his friends, I had just screwed up another critically important Jedi mission and this time I had directly defied the orders of the Council. ‘Craaaaaaap!’ What I had done at that execution, to interfere in an internal affair in a sovereign state, was against Jedi principles, and against the laws of the Republic. I had let my personal feelings dictate my actions, which was not permitted for a Jedi.  
  
If I didn’t do something, the mission would have failed and all the insurgents would have died. It felt unjust. Some people deserved to lose things because of what they’d done, I thought. Some people deserved to be helped because of what they could lose. Balance was important. With my appearance, I inspired the people to rise up and resist the Separatists. Once the crowd saw me, they rallied for me. I served as an inspiration. This was also the moment when I willingly opened myself to the Dark Side, when I chose retribution over passivity. I was the moment when I first doubted my total commitment to the Jedi.  
  
“The Separatists definitely know we’re backing the rebels.” I had to admit to Obi-Wan and Anakin afterwards. The two of them seemed to be co-parenting me a lot on this mission, I thought. Strangely, they didn’t seem mad. I actually wondered if they were even going to tell the Council what I’d done or keep it between the two of them. Like was so often the case with Anakin defying the council, I had been successful and helped save the lives of others. For that, it seemed that my breaking the rules was going to be permitted by the Order, just like Anakin’s always was.  
  
I talked to Lux that night as well. “Ahsoka, I knew you couldn’t resist a good fight.” Totally in his sexy voice. Stupid Lux, stupid smoky voiced Lux!  
  
“Am I becoming that predictable?” I was hopeless.  
  
“Only to me.” I would have kissed him then, but we were in a crowded room.  
  
\--  
  
Steela died. The insurgents won and Onderon was saved. She was the hero of her people, with a huge state funeral. Her death was partly my fault. I know it was an accident and I tried to save her, but some part of me will always doubt myself. Lux was in love with her. I had been jealous of her.  
  
I was feeling very vulnerable after Steela’s funeral. I was still wrestling with my feelings. Anakin was seemingly recommitted to duty when he came to Onderon to attend the ceremony, but I could not stand to keep seeing him relapse. I was unsettled about my jealous feelings for him. I needed something to soothe my pain. I went to Lux. He was in his guest room at the palace when I knocked on the door.  
  
“Come in quietly,” he whispered and looked up and down the hall and pulled me in the room. “No one saw you?”  
  
I laughed under my breath and whispered. “I don’t think so.” We hadn’t actually acknowledged it with words, but we both seemed to know what we wanted to do. In an instant, we were in each other’s arms.  
  
As first times go, I really have nothing to compare it to. I didn’t dare participate in sex discussions, so I don’t know how it is usually. But for me, this was perfect. Lux wasn’t as shy and polite as he looked, but actually demonstrated passion. He made me feel beautiful, and special, and wanted. Our shared pain over losing Steela helped us to draw closer. Our long repressed attraction made the meaning in every touch was amplified. Even the guilt we felt made it more compelling. Afterwards, I left, but my heart was still racing as I walked down the hall to my room. I just wanted to smile. I struggled to put on a placid expression, but my eyes were laughing.  
  
Strangely, my relationship with Master actually improved after it, even though I knew he wouldn’t approve. Understanding why he chose to have that type of relationship made me feel like we were conspirators, that we understood each other through our common experience. I couldn’t judge him because I had done the same, so I could be more forgiving. I grew more confident as his equal. Maybe I could continue in the Jedi Order, I thought, the way he did. As an imperfect, but powerful Jedi. Lux was coming to Coruscant as a senator. Maybe our relationship could continue, I hoped.  
  
I wanted what Anakin had. Both worlds, both lives intertwined. So, I guess, since I made a choice to take something for myself, that I was selfish. But I didn’t care. I wasn’t sorry. I wanted to be loved and to love someone back. What was so wrong about it? I thought that maybe Master and I could be the ones to change the Order, together.  
  
\--  
  
In the last year of the war, I was confident in myself and my future. I was a famous Jedi in my own right and a commander in the army with an impressive record. My responsibilities as a Jedi increased, the Council seemingly trusted me. My commitment to my mission had never been stronger, despite my weaknesses, in fact because of them. Being aware of my own flaws, I was filled with compassion and empathy for all kinds of people, not just those who fit my ideals. My will to protect others was greater. My acceptance of the complicated nature of my own spirit made me able to understand more of the complex universe. I had grown up. The Jedi’s dogmatic views were only holding me back. In hindsight, I know that I stayed because of Anakin.  
  
We returned from a major campaign in Cato Nemoidia to a disaster at home. The Jedi Temple was attacked in a terrorist bombing. Citizens, soldiers, and Jedi alike were killed. We started out investigating the tragedy, and it was apparent that the Jedi were in danger of losing some of their very mission. Even people who’d worked at the temple for years didn’t trust us. There were rumors that a Jedi had done it. Civilians gathered at the entrance to the temple looking for answers, only to be held back by guards. We were too secretive, they said. Too powerful. After a Jedi had turned to the dark side and massacred clones on Umbara, both the public and the soldiers alike were afraid of our powers. They were starting to blame us for the war going on for so long and the Jedi’s will and ability to end it.  
  
We discovered that the wife of one of the temple maintenance workers had done the bombing. Still, Anakin and I did our image no favors, publicly chasing down the lone woman in the slum where she lived. Working for the Jedi didn’t pay that well, apparently. The war had the economy of Coruscant in a shambles. Our suspect, Letta Turmond, said that she was tired of what the war was doing and hated what the Jedi had become.  
  
“I don’t know how I’d feel if a Jedi had been behind it.” I told Master. I felt afraid, afraid that I could actually believe it. I was right to be afraid. I was about to see the Jedi in a whole new light.  
  
I was framed for murder, first of Letta, then of at least six clones, with no idea why. Once I was caught, the evidence against me was overwhelming. I don’t know who on the Jedi Council might have raised objections. I would hope that at least some did. But the Council gave their decision as a whole. I was expelled from the Order and put on trial for my life.  
  
But Anakin believed I was innocent. The only other person I was allowed to see was Padme. She believed me, too. It was they, because of their close but flawed partnership, who saved my life. While Padme stalled, Anakin investigated and arrested my friend, and fellow Jedi, Barriss.  
  
Barriss had once been an idealist, believing in the Jedi almost to the point of fundamentalism. She and her master, Luminara, had both been conservative in their adherence to the Order. But as she watched the war change the galaxy around her, Barriss had found the change unacceptable. She refused to bend and so took a stand for her beliefs by unleashing violence on innocents. To her, there were no innocents in the fight.  
  
At the end of my trial, Anakin smiled at me. He had known me more closely than any being in the galaxy, and he had known his faith in me was well-founded. I smiled back, overwhelmed with emotion, both his and mine. We had never been closer.  
  
Anakin had told me at the beginning of the ordeal that as long as there were good Jedi, we could trust our mission and believe in what we were doing. By the end, I had just been treated by the entire Jedi Council as a criminal and sacrificed for political expedience. There was no room for me in their dogmatic world view. They asked me to come back, I was tempted to stay. But I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I wanted Anakin to demonstrate his loyalty to me and his outrage at the Council for what it had done to both of us, and for us to leave the order together. But I knew he couldn’t be honest with himself. He was conflicted and his indecision was making me conflicted as well. As much as I loved him, I knew that he was bad for me. I couldn’t save him or make him realize it, but the Dark was taking him. I walked away to find myself alone. I would rather be alone than live a lie.  
  
In truth, I was still disappointed in his hypocrisy. He claimed that he adhered to the Jedi Order, but he continued being with Padme. He got to have everything, while he expected me to keep to the rules. He thought that by his teachings, he was just helping me to be a good Jedi. But knowing that he was lying hurt. He never admitted it to me. He never respected me or trusted me enough to be honest with me. Then he got to stay in the order while they forced me out.  
  
He pretended to be a great general devoted to the Republic, but then did things like suggest secretly training insurgents to hiring pirates to bring them weapons. Even in the military, he always did whatever he wanted to do. He got results, so the Republic looked the other way on his crimes. Meanwhile, I had been falsely accused and put on trial for my life.  
  
I didn’t stay with Anakin and help him conquer his conflicts. I said that I wouldn’t apologize for mine and showed him that I had the courage he lacked. To make my choice and stand on my own if I must. These days, I am not a Jedi, but something more fluid. I believe that we know things are right or not by how they make us feel. I didn’t care if these things were of the light side or dark. Justice is balance, after all. If I was not a Jedi, what was I? Inspiration. Rebel. A spiritual figure in the secular realm. I have known tempation, like he did. I have known anger, revenge, jealousy, justice and fairness, selflessness and compassion. Intertwined.  
  
\--  
  
Obi-Wan said once that, “A great leap forward often requires first taking two steps back.” My master’s response was, “Sometimes all it requires is the will to jump.” I find that funny in hindsight. At least Obi-Wan and I each made a choice, he chose to adhere to the Jedi despite their flaws and his frustration. I decided to walk away and find my path without an order or a master to guide me. The key is, you must make a choice, and not let someone decide for you. Someone decided for you finally, didn’t they, Master? They boxed you in until you had no options left but to do what you did. I think I finally know what happened to you, Master. And although my heart is being torn to pieces, I must do what I must do. Some people deserve to be punished for what they’ve done. Your crimes are many.  
  
\---  
  
We were sitting back to back on the floor. “Rex, have you ever been in love?”  
  
“Just once. I think.”  
  
“I take it that it didn’t end well?” I put my mug down.  
  
“It blew up spectacularly. You?”  
  
“Yes. I think so. But how can I be sure.”  
  
“I don’t know. I was sure.” He poured one more shot and downed it.  
  
My head was pretty woozy. I wasn’t much of a drinker, I had only accepted Rex’s invitation to get drunk because I was leaving the next day and didn’t know if I’d ever see him again. “I guess I never knew for certain what I wanted. I understand completely where I stand with the Force, but not with relationships of a more…personal nature.”  
  
“Don’t worry, you can figure that out at your own pace, you’ve got plenty of time.” He was five years younger than me but looked twice my age. “Our upbringings did us no favors. But some of us actually succeed. You know I have a brother who got married and raised his step kids.” When he said it, I couldn’t even picture it. “And even though Anakin and Padme ended sad, what they had before it was taken from them was pretty great. I was hoping they would stay together.”  
  
“Really, I was hoping that Anakin would choose the Jedi.”  
  
“Ah, so we were at cross purposes!” He laughed.  
  
“Will you ever try again?” I asked.  
  
“I’m a twenty-eight year old who looks like a geezer in his sixties. I have no stable home and have involved myself in an illegal rebellion against the Empire. I could end up toast any day. What woman would want that? ‘Hey girl, my name is Rex, my hobbies are narrowly escaping death and distilling booze in my tiny room. I enjoy long conversations about weaponry and I will not be picky about your cooking ’”  
  
I cracked up at that.  
  
He continued, “Maybe if I really wanted a family like my brother had, I’d stop putting myself in these situations and commit to making someone happy. I’m scared I’d screw that up, though. Risking my life for some damned fool idealistic crusade, at least that I’m good at. What about you?”  
  
“Ha! Well, aside from the age, I have the same problems. What do we do about it?” As soon as I said it, I was terrified that he’d think it was some kind of opening and try to kiss me or something. I loved him probably more than anyone in my life at that moment, but not like that.  
  
Instead, he didn’t even look at me. Even in my thirties, I was still everybody’s little sister apparently. Or maybe he thought it would dishonor Fives’ memory, who knows? I was sure I would never understand men. “I’m going to get some sleep, I have a strategy meeting tomorrow, then I have to go out and inspect the site where they’re digging the new well.” He lay down on the bed and closed his eyes. He might complain about it, but he was happiest when he was busy. Having a purpose is important and some of us are just better off at our work than our personal lives.  
  
I was off to Malachor at first light. “Goodnight, Rex. Live to fight another day, right?” Poor old guy was already asleep when I opened the door panel and closed it behind me.


End file.
